His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
