Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
