I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
