Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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