Your mouth is God's brothel.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
