i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
