I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
