I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
