just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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