So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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