So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
