So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
