either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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