lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
