I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
