I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I did not marry a roomba.
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