The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
