Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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