Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
