I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
