i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
