I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
