you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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