I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
