you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
