Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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