My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
