Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
where are my eyebrows?
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