it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
