He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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