Kareoke will never be a sober sport
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
