I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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