I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
