He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
