yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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