WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
