You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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