I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
