Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
