remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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