Do you still have your period?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
