My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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