Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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