You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
