happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
