I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
