I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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