I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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