Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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