I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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