dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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