if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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