She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
